As anyone who has followed me knows, I love to travel. It’s a version of education through experience, something which can not be replaced by reading and photos alone. Reading, photos and videos inspire use to experience these places for ourselves, and it certainly did for me.
I was FINALLY able to claim all 50 states in Fall 2024. We went on a family cruise to Alaska, marking my 50th state just a few months before my 40th birthday. It feels like quite an accomplishment, or it should…but I found myself deep in thought rather than rejoicing. While the reasons I was feeling down can be attributed to many things, I think there were two major contributors to why I was feeling solemn at a time when I should have been joyful.
First, I was battling depression, anxiety and other feelings. While here in 2026 it is more common to talk about our mental health it is still stigmatized, and as a U.S. citizen in the lower echelons of wealth, stressful. Seeking medical care is not only hard to do from a social stigma point of view, especially as someone working in a leadership role, but it is expensive. Treatment for chemical imbalances in the mind is often experimental, and it can take years to find the right blend of medication and therapy.
Second was the feeling of insignificance. The best way I can put it to words is the quote attributed to Albert Einstein: “The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know”. Travel invokes the same. To someone who hasn’t traveled extensively it sounds like a huge accomplishment not to be surpassed. To someone who has reached this milestone, you start to realize how little you have actually seen. There is so much to see and experience in this world, and not enough years in a lifetime to truly appreciate it.
The first has been addressed since that significant milestone. It took some time to find the right healthcare provider and the correct medications, but it truly works. Being able to get outside of the cycling thoughts of OCD truly opened the windows to the sunshine. A combination of nature and nurture is probably the reason it impacted my life so significantly. Naturally I am probably genetically predisposed to certain mental health conditions. Combine it with some PTSD from some traumatic events and financial insecurity preventing proper treatment and you have the recipe for some debilitating problems. I can’t say I’m 100% better, I never will be, but the medication and therapy provide me with the tools to function like a normal human being. OCD is NOT a clean, organized kind of disease like many people think. If you walked into my office and were unfamiliar with how OCD impacts people you’d be confused. It’s messy, stacks of papers and books. The obsessive thoughts and compulsions are the true marker of the disorder, and while some who suffer may present with perfect stacks and clean shelves, many (like myself) suffer in other ways.
The second is harder to address, and I don’t think the feeling is a bad thing. The more you learn the less you know. It’s a fact the world truly needs to learn to accept. I think today our society tries so hard to find definitive answers for everything. The “either/or” dichotomy of our political and social issues today epitomizes this issue. People think everything has a real answer, and if it doesn’t they will make something up that sounds plausible and present it as a fact. Everything gets put in a box, even things which don’t yet have a box to define them yet.
The world is so diverse and nuanced. If only we could focus on the beauty, accept that which we don’t know, and be at peace with the knowledge no single one of us can ever own all the experiences and knowledge of the world. The way we learn the most about the world about us? Celebrate our differences, for those differences collectively form the whole. We need to rely on each other to form the most well-rounded picture, and be open to the fact the answer will change as we gain more information.
Life has been quite busy for me. I am managing a large show cave in Middle Tennessee, volunteering and serving on boards in multiple capacities. Every day is an adventure, and while I could certainly use a job that pays more, nothing can pay enough to make up for happiness. It is something special to find a place in the world where you feel like you can make a difference.
I am so lucky to have found the perfect partner in life. My husband and I just got married in September 2025 after being together for nearly 7 years. We took a road trip last Summer and he, too, has now been to all 50 states. His ADHD and my OCD together make our home and lives an interesting combination, but we are truly perfect together. He is my home, no matter what address we put down for our contact information.
I’d love to promise I will be updating this website more, but I never know what curveball life might through at me. I’m going to try, though, because I think this is a great place to get my thoughts out of my head. If my thoughts make someone else feel less alone, hopeful, or even inspire someone else to travel and learn, even better.
Pro amore speluncarum,
Nicole Ridlen